111 Things All New Dads Should Know
- Chastity
- Aug 16, 2016
- 14 min read
With this new baby on his way, my millennial research addiction has been in full force and there was nothing I didn’t want to research. As conversations came to with Joe, lots of random ‘What can I expect?’ questions from a Dad’s point of view surfaced. And as a Woman, my insight may be a little one-sided. With that side, and with some inspiration, I created a list, a long list, of 111 things, I think, all new dads should know.
In the beginning:
Pregnancy is not like the movies. It’s not glamorous & glittery. It includes lots of aches and pains, sleepless nights, uncomfortable rides, uncontrollable emotions. It’s full of happiness and terror. But behind it all, She is your wife. She is your woman. She loves you and you love her. So, remember that. Forgive her. Help her. And be there with her. I promise you, she will remember those things the most.
Pregnancy hormones are fkn insane. Expect joy one moment and tears a few minutes later. It’s okay and it doesn’t mean she hates you or the baby. It just means hormone aliens have abducted her. Some say it’s more so during the first trimester. Some say it lasts all the way through.
Morning sickness can be torture for someone who is going through all this internal chaos. And it doesn’t only hit in the morning. For many, it’s an all day battle. Don’t be surprised or take it personal if her once favorite meal that you slaved over now causes a disaster in her stomach.
Her cute little odorless farts may begin to blow yours out the box. Make light of it. Have a burping or farting contest with your wife. She’ll win. It’s great.
Respect her wishes on when to announce. Unfortunately, the miscarriage rate is most high during the first trimester. If she chooses to hold off on spreading the word until after she passes the 2nd trimester milestone, hold off on telling your buddies until she feels comfortable.
Begin learning about your paternity leave options from work NOW. And prepare to use vacation time once baby is here. She’s going to need your undivided support especially those first 2 weeks.
Go to all appointments with your wife. This includes doctor visits, sonograms, parenting classes, etc. Even if you think it’s dumb. Just Go!
Keep her moving. From the beginning, schedule some type of daily routine, even if it’s super light, where she keeps her body moving. She’s going to gain weight but you want her to gain it healthily. Take her out to walk, stretch and whatever else the doctor says is okay to do.
Keep to your exercise routine and be a good example. She’s gaining weight but it doesn’t mean you should, too.
Time to up those veggies. She will suddenly need a huge leap of an increase in certain vital minerals. Now is as good a time as ever to start implementing healthier eating habits that will aide in pregnancy nutrition and supplying the baby with all that it needs to form a healthy brain and vital organs.
She is going to gain weight. And it may even look funny. Her body is going to physically change in ways she may have never experienced before. Her BBB, [belly, butt & boobs] may not be in proportion. DO NOT POKE FUN at her growth. For many, the physical changes and weight gain are hard to adjust to and often the source of emotional outburst when clothes don’t fit, and how you react to the changes will affect her self image and self esteem. Like a good bra, be supportive.
Speaking of, Holy Tatas! While the boobies are prepping to do their Mommy Boobie thang, enjoy your wife’s new boobs. Go with her new boob size bra shopping and make sure she gets something comfortable and sexy to help her feel more beautiful. Be warned, sometimes they may feel sore to the touch so proceed with caution.
Mid way through:
Sex Please! Many women have an increased sex drive their 2nd trimester. Hopefully your wife is one of them. Enjoy it. (I said many, not all) And don’t worry about hurting baby (unless her doctor has said otherwise).
Do you want to know the gender of the baby? It’s fun to be surprised and it’s fun to plan. Remember, it’s a 50/50 chance. So while most guys may want that boy, I can tell you there is nothing like a daughter’s love. Either way remember a new life is coming and that in itself is a blessing. If you’re bummed out about the gender, that’s okay too. It’ll pass.
Read the damn baby books. Yes, most of them are boring and bland and read like how stale crackers taste. But Read, read, READ! Books, sites, whatever you can. Educate yourself about birth. What she’s going through. Hormones. Vaginal Birth. C-sections. Inductions. Birth plans. Drugs. Vaccines. Breastfeeding. Baby blues. The entire process from A-Z. She has a lot on her mind and lot of decisions to make. And it gets overwhelming. Don’t make her feel like she’s at this alone.
Cravings are such mutha f**** because they come without warning and they are ALWAYS for something you don’t have in the kitchen at 12:15 at night. Know what she is digging right now. Remember that her once favorite chocolate treat may send her to the porcelain god, so ask what’s she’s feeling these days and arm yourself with a stash. Then prepare to drive to the end of the world anyway.
Foot massages and back rubs will automatically crown you husband of the century.
Pre-partum depression is real. Having a child grow inside of you is one of the most beautifully transformative experiences any woman could go through and there are a million things going through a woman’s mind throughout this period. Without the complete support from the person who helped to get her to this point, she can go from excited and elated to completely depressed and withdrawn. If she suffers from any pre-partum depression, post-partum depression is almost a given and it will most likely be worse.
Tell her she is beautiful and believe it because she is. This moment in her life will undoubtedly change her in more ways than one. The physical changes are not only apparent to her daily but the world around her will soon take vocal notice. Stretch marks, itchiness, spots, these things will make anyone self-conscious, even the most self confident of people. Remind Your wife that she is sexy…don’t you doubt this for a second because her insecurities about her new body will magnify if you believe she is anything but.
Prego brain is frustrating so don’t get upset if she keeps losing the car keys. A lack of quality sleep and raging hormones tend to throw our concentration off balance.
Take the time out daily to ask how she is doing and truly listen to what she is saying. Offer helpful suggestions or just “Is there anything I can do to help you?” The smallest gestures of support and understanding, will go a a long way. In addition, genuinely listening may also give insight to anything you should be especially aware of that should be discussed with the doctor [weird pains, excessive sadness, extreme fatigue]. Take notes, keep a journal of some sort.
Continue to date your wife. She is pregnant with your child. She is not disabled. Go out on your normal dates. Hang out with friends. As long as she feels good, do what you normally do – minus all the roller coasters and such.
It’s all she’s going to talk about. After all, she is the one with the human growing inside of her abdomen. It’s hard to NOT want to always talk about it. Talk with her. Indulge. Listen. Respond. Initiate conversations.
It’s normal to feel like you don’t have a connection with the baby yet. You aren’t the one carrying it, feeling it’s kicks, and any of the pregnancy ailments that come along with being pregnant that serve as a constant reminder that you’re growing another human. Don’t worry. It will come.
She is going to have a million questions to go over together. It’s important to become educated together. After all, there are a lot of things that happen to baby right after birth that you should talk about now and decide on together.
Towards the end:
There might be a baby shower. If there is, ask the host if it’s a surprise because you may be tasked with bringing her. If that is your job, don’t be late and don’t give it away. Also ask if it’s co-ed or traditional [ladies only] before you invite the guys.
If there is a baby shower, you and she will need to create a baby registry. Be warned: she [and maybe even you] will be tempted to scan even item at the store. But 75% of those items will either never get used, used once or twice, or the baby will outgrow it before you can blink. Read through the newborn essentials check list, and choose things you absolutely need first, conveniences next, and fun to haves last. And don’t be afraid to add ‘gift cards’ to your registry. Your need for a never ending stockpile of diapers will put those gift cards to good use.
Figure out the car seat now. Those things feel like they were deigned to be installed by astrophysicists. You can’t leave the hospital without a properly installed car seat, so get that out of the way while you aren’t frazzled. Your local fire station is usually able to help with proper installation.
Assemble the crib and wash the bedding before baby comes home.
Practice using the stroller with a teddy bear.
Tie her shoes. Help her shave. Paint her toes. A 3rd trimester belly is a bit of a physical nuisance. Get down on one knee and make perfect little bunny ears on her sneakers. All the reminder why she fell in love with you.
Having sex induces labor. As long as they doctor says it’s still safe, enjoy the snuggle time if she’s still into it. After all, there is no nookie for at least 6 weeks after the baby is born.
Visit the hospital’s maternity ward with her. Get acclimated with where parking, entrances, and the cafeteria are.
Pack a hospital bag for yourself.
Wrap up any loose ends at work regarding open projects, coverage and your parental leave.
No work trips during the last trimester if possible. You’d never hear the end of it if you missed the birth.
Go out on a special date. It’s about to go down! And you both may be feeling the pressure. A little out and about time [that is not related to baby shopping] to remind each other why you chose the other to travel this journey will help ease some of those anxieties.
Review her birth plan with her and memorize it. Between the pain, the endless amount of nurses checking in, and all other distractions, she will be asked a ton of questions. Be sure you know her birth plan, and what she is truly heartfelt on having/experiencing.
Plan your escape route… to the hospital that is.
The Baby is Coming!
Giving birth is not sexy. You will see your wife’s body in a way you never have before and may never want to again. Keep your cool.
Be prepared to stand up for her. As long as her labor is progressing, speak up for her if you feel like meds are being pushed, there are too many people in and out of your room, etc. Voice your concerns and handle it.
You won’t be able to take away the pain. The pain will be overwhelming for her, but it’s hers alone and there is nothing you can really do about it. So keep your cool, don’t freak out. Keep her comfortable and stay focused.
Help her ease the pain with simple things like massages, rubbing, ice, cold cloths, change positions, hand to squeeze, music, or do absolutely nothing if that’s what she wants.
Your birth plan may go out the window. Expect the unexpected. Stand tall for your woman’s wishes. But if the doctor says she or the baby is in a serious situation, let them do their thing.
Your wife may scream obscenities at you while she’s in the midst of labor. She doesn’t mean them, at that moment.
Discussing who is allowed in the room before labor begins can help with assigning a picture taker and snack/ice runner.
She just might poop while giving birth. And that’s totally expected. The nurses will clean it up so quickly you probably won’t even notice. If you do, try to forget it.
Labor is exhausting for you, just in a different way.
Bring healthy snacks and eat them OUTSIDE the room door. You will need the energy to support your wife but you don’t want to scarf down food in front of her while she is starving and in pain.
Don’t be afraid to cut the cord, it is far easier than you’re imagining.
The Baby is Here!
No words could describe the flood of emotions when you hear that first cry, see those little eyes, and hold your baby for the first time.
Watching your baby being placed on your wife’s chest for the first time just might make you weak in your knees.
It is very natural to feel not only joy, happiness, love but fear, uncertainty, and maybe even a little terror.
You may cry. And it’s okay.
Tell your wife what an amazing job she did. Not just for the birth, but how she held and cared for your baby inside of her body. That was a long 40 weeks and no easy feat.
Tell your wife how beautiful she looks, because there is no moment that is more beautiful.
Your wife may still be in pain. From her uterus continuing to contract, to a possible vaginal tear, or even if she had a c-section, don’t forget to tend to her needs. She won’t be up and about as soon as baby comes out. So make sure she is well taken care of.
Babies look funny when they are born. Most will have a cone shaped head (unless your wife has a c-section) and many are born covered in vernix, and some are born covered in blood, lanugo, and/or milia. Also, all of their features are swollen especially their genitalia so I wouldn’t go bragging about where your son got is size quite yet.
Skin to skin contact with the baby is very important for you and bonding with baby in the first few hours.
Photos of those first few moments are always treasured and make for great ‘announcements’ and text messages.
Get some rest.
After all is done, take moment when they are asleep to write down your emotions and feelings about the day. Tuck it away in your baby’s book or keepsake box when you get home.
On to doing Dad things:
Buy a newspaper on your baby’s “birth” day.
Ask questions about any routine procedures that are being done to the baby and your wife, and record them.
Ask your wife when she is ready for visitors, and then give anyone who wants to visit the okay. Between meds, pain, adrenaline coming down and exhaustion, this may take a day or two. She may even want to wait until she is home. People have to understand.
She might need help in the shower, so have someone visit the hospital to watch the baby the next day or so. She is going to need your help in the bathroom. More grossness. Brace yourself.
Bring any flowers or gifts she received home the day before she leaves the hospital, or send them home with anyone who visits the day before. It makes for an easier discharge considering you will have her, the baby, car seat, and at least 2 bags.
Changing the 1st diaper will seem like a task for James Bond. Because it is. The first poop is a lot like wiping up tar. But by the 3rd diaper you’ll be a pro.
Study the poop. It will tell you a lot about your little one’s well being.
Your first car ride home may take double the time. It will be the most intense, alert, nerve-wracking car ride you will ever take.
Let your pets hang out with the baby’s swaddle blanket from the hospital before you bring baby and mama home.
Everyone is home. Now what?
There is no manual. The hospitals send you home with all these papers and freebies but no book on what to do with this new human. So it’s just you and your instincts.
You won’t die from the lack of sleep. You might go a little crazy. Remember, it doesn’t last forever.
Use all lifelines. People want to visit? GREAT! When they ask “is there anything I can bring or you need help with?” … Answer YES without hesitation or shame and let them! Let them cook, clean, walk the dog. Whatever they want.
Lots of pictures. Wife + Baby. You + Baby. Wife + You + Baby. Visitors + Baby. Photo memories go a long way these days.
There is still pain and discomfort for your wife. Be aware of that and don’t let her lift anything heavier than the baby for a while.
If she had a c-section, there will be pain for longer than a vaginal delivery.
There is no sex for the first 6 weeks. So you may need to get a little creative with your wife, when she is ready to.
Porn star boobs or super soakers? Your wife’s boobs look bodacious but watch out, stimulation causes milk spray.
If she is solely breastfeeding, ask her to pump once a day when milk supply allows so that you can take over a feeding or two and she can get in an uninterrupted shower or a much needed nap.
Monitor your wife’s baby blues. If they become too constant, if she is acting out of sorts, or exhibiting weird/dangerous behavior get help immediately. A good start would be to discreetly call her OBGYN.
Your wife’s body may be all over the place and she may feel insecure. Remind her that you appreciate and love her just the way she is.
Remember that you are BOTH new at this.
Expect the unexpected, AGAIN and AGAIN. Just when you get in to a routine, it will change. Just when you think you have your baby figured out, he will change things up.
Don’t take it personal. The baby cries and you don’t know why and you unfortunately aren’t the one that will be able to console him. You may find yourself completely frustrated. Don’t worry, it’s normal. Baby spent 10 months inside his mother’s body. Her smell and her touch is all he knows. You can’t blame him for seeking comfort in what’s already familiar to him. You will have to learn to share. Before you know it, you and baby will have your own ‘thing’ and no one else will be able to calm him like Dad does.
Help out where ever needed. Sometimes that means bringing baby to mama and back to the crib during overnight feedings. Sometimes that means doing the laundry and other household chores.
Just you and Baby:
New babies don’t have tears for the first few weeks but don’t let that fool you in to thinking they don’t cry.
Don’t forget to clean all the creases and folds of your new baby. Neck, armpits, elbows, groin, behind the knees all collect sweat and gunk and it smells.
The diaper dude backpack has a checklist imprinted on the inside of the bag to remind you of the necessities you need when out and about with baby. Stick to the list. It’s as simple as can be.
You will wear every bodily fluid you could have imagined and even ones you never knew existed. Embrace it. And learn to keep an extra shirt and sweats for yourself, along with an extra towel and extra wipes in the car just in case it’s ever too much.
Read to your baby. Talk to your baby. Sing to your baby. OUT LOUD. And as often as you can.
Learn how to change a diaper on your lap, in the car, on a chair because finding a public men’s restroom with a diaper changing station is rare.
Don’t worry about messing up or doing the wrong thing. As long as you’re fully present and trying, you’re doing better than you think.
Get use to worrying. You will be worrying about your kid for the rest of your life.
Your friends without kids may distance themselves from you as your priorities and responsibilities shift. They’ll return when they understand for themselves what being a parent is all about. This is okay. And things will settle again soon.
The transition to becoming a Dad is one of sacrifice. There will be moments where that sacrifice is frustrating, upsetting, and where you wonder if you’ve made a terrible mistake. It’s normal. Stick with it. The connection and the fun will come.
Your heart will burst with every new milestone and you won’t think it could take any more. But it can. And it will.
You will find yourself making weird noises and making weird faces in hopes of getting your baby to smile again. Don’t worry, we all do it.
Just a few hours alone with an inconsolable baby will give you a great new love and appreciation for your wife. Tell her that!
You won’t enjoy every single moment. You aren’t supposed to. And that is okay. Being a parent is hard.
Enjoy every baby moment, even the ones you don’t enjoy, because neither the sweet ones nor the hectic ones last forever.
When you hear that first ‘dada’, you’re done.
When your baby finds a favorite ‘lovie’, buy a duplicate in case its’ ever lost. Your wife will thank you and think you are a genius!
Prepare to leave an hour early for everything. It doesn’t matter the occasion – doctor visit, birthday party, grandparents house. Plan to leave an hour early because most times you won’t get there until an hour late. This gives you a fighting chance.
Getting on with life:
The first opportunity you can, take your wife out on a date! She will need the break. And YOU as a couple will need the breath of fresh air. Do this regularly.
Back to work out routines. Continue your routine when ever she is settled in. And get her into a comfortable place where she can work out on her own as well.
You will have normal, non rushed sex with your wife again. It may even last longer than a toddler’s nap. It will take some time. Be patient. Get creative.
Make sure she has alone time and you have alone time.
Get use to doing certain chores during nap time.
Invite friends over for late dinner after baby is down for the night.
Call your Mom and tell her Thank You.
Your life will change in so many ways, but it’s all for the better. You will learn new things about yourself and your strengths and there’s only one person to thank for it.
Enjoy New Dad! This is going to be the best journey of your life!
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