A letter to Humility: Because sometimes, I forget

A letter to Humility… Because sometimes, I forget…

October 22, 2012 at 8:48pm

Ever heard the saying “if you think your life’s bad, take a look at the person next to you” ?

Today,  that was me….

In the past year, the kids and I have been through challenges beyond challenges. We have over come obstacles I never thought would be presented. We have faced adversities I never imagined I’d live through. Me? In trouble? Struggle? No! Never!!!  But today, HUMILITY decided to pay me a visit….

Today would prove to be one of those wake up call days. I woke up feeling like “FUCK!!! What The Hell Am I DOING?!  Life has to be easier. There has to a better way. Why can’t Mega Millions just touch me?! Why can’t I just get a break”… And then, the day began.

I wake up pushing through our normal routine. And it’s during this time when I am reminded life could suck so much more….

I walk the kids to school, and on my way back, I find a box of free books on someone’s steps. As I’m looking through the books I think to myself… “There was a day that this would never be. I’d never take a hand out, from the street, That’s for people who need help, people who are desperate”… and “BAM” SHE stands next to me… A woman’s hands touches the same books I just touched. The ones that I am guarding for my kids…. This woman, who I don’t recognize at first, and without her knowing, will be my wake up call and suddenly my childhood rushes through.

Me: “Oh my goodness! How are you? It’s me, Chastity!” She rushes me with a hug, and asks how am I, where have I  been, how’s my sister and mom and dad and family, all in one breath. She looks great for her age of 60. And I can’t help but to feel a pang of jealousy… that I will very soon realize is unwarranted. Her: “It’s so good to see you! How are you? How long have you been here?” Me: “I am okay, I lost my job last year, and couldn’t hold up the house. So we moved back to Brooklyn [insinuating that’s a bad thing] in July and we are resetting.  How’s your son? ” Her: “He’s working two jobs a few states away. Hard to make a living. No grandchildren yet for me. I am sad. In our tradition, no babies, is not a good thing.” The galls of this woman to be crying about lack of grandchildren when her son is only 28. I’m 33 and struggling to take care of my two! Does she understand how hard it is out here? Me: “Well you look great! How have you been?” Her: “Well, me not so good. Three years ago, I almost died. I had cancer of the stomach. It was so bad. They removed my stomach completely. So now, when I eat, I have to be home because the food literally goes right through me. My immune system is so weak, going to the grocery store is dangerous. I come outside at this time to visit the river and do Yoga by the water, only because I know no one else will be around, and I have less risk of catching germs. I miss watching the little children play. Hoping one day to see my grandchild play in that park too. Maybe I could never go watch him play, or I will get sick”

SILENCE…..

The nerve of me. The audacity I had. Thinking my life is HARD. Or my life SUCKED. Or asking why was I struggling…. Something we ALL take for granted every day, EAT and BREATHE and just BE, going to the playground and watching our kids live their little lives, these are things this woman can’t JUST DO because her life would be at risk…

Me: “But you’re alive! And you can walk! And you can enjoy the views! You are okay. You look great!!! …. >I feel the choke of tears< … Call me if you ever need me. I am always at my Dad’s”….

She pauses.. She stares into my eyes…  She smiled, hugged me so tight, kissed me, and said …….. NOTHING… She walked away…

And I just stood there…. watching her go… in awe… pissed at myself.

While cooking dinner, I am listening to my kids talk and I am suddenly reminded of HER…

JV: It’s okay Evie, if we don’t get it today, we will keep practicing and we will get it tomorrow.” EV: You’ll practice with me tomorrow? JV: Of course. By the way, are those boys still bothering you? EV: Nope, I told him you would punch him in the face.

I silently giggle because it is at that moment I realize…. I may curse like a sailor, I may scream like my head’s falling off, I may express my frustration in every way that parenting experts recommended I don’t… but my kids, they love each other, and they know they’re loved, and they will never leave each other alone. And I can’t help but to think of HER and wonder, if she has someone like that. Does she have someone that pays her a visit. Someone to make sure her grocery visits aren’t deadly. Someone to say, it’s okay, tomorrow will be a better day… Does she have someone like my sister, someone who will call just to say “LIfe sucks right now, but I got your back, and a 6-pack” She might. Or she might not… But my lesson for today was… every time I think my life sucks… I need to stop and take a look at the person beside me…

For I am lucky to have the love and support of my parents, sisters, family, friends, and my kids. I am lucky that I HAVE A FIGHT and that I CAN FIGHT FOR IT. I am lucky that someone left books on their door step, books that now allowed my children and I to create new memories, good memories, even during hard times… I am lucky that those books, caused me to pause, listen, and appreciate the life that was beside me… I am lucky that, while there may not be abundance, there simply is… and that in itself is enough…

To HER… I will think of you…  often.  Thank you for teaching me… or reminding me of this lesson…

And for the moment that I could not say anything, I want to say now to Her….  Life is full of amazing things. Always take a minute to smell the flowers by your feet. Feel the Sun on your face. Let the Rain cleanse your soul. Love with all that you have. Laugh with every breath. Live with purpose. Fight for your dreams. Reach for the Stars, Moon and Sun… Believe in you… cause I do. And remember, that the Universe will always be here… right by our side… cheering us on.

-Chastity