A letter to me: Never. Give. Up. Happy Belated Birthday

A letter to me… Never. Give. Up. Happy Belated Birthday…

October 26, 2013 at 11:11am

And so this morning I ran, not far, not for long, but I ran nonetheless. And it’s been a while since my last run. But with this detox and re-adjustment of eating, exercising regularly [something I have not been doing] is a must. Today’s run was different. I don’t know why… But it was hard. Extremely hard. The first few blocks were torture.  And my mind was screaming with fkn bullshit “It’s cold. You didn’t stretch long enough. Your sneakers aren’t tied on tight enough. Are you warm? It’s too late to run. Look at the 102 yr old man running harder than you. You have to use the bathroom. You should just go back home and try this another time. What are you cooking for Thanksgiving? Did you pay the phone bills? Joe isn’t here to push you on. How are you going to do this ALL ALONE?”… OMG

My mind was just ridiculous and I was hating it.  It was making it difficult to just enjoy the one exercise I truly don’t enjoy to begin with. So I detour to the park and decide I was going to meditate. It’s peaceful. No one is around. And there’s someone cleaning so I am fairly safe… Well that was another joke because again my mind was on auto pilot with BS it seems. “You’re going to look stupid… in front of the squirrels. How can you sit still? There’s a highway behind you. What if someone comes and grabs you and takes you away? The squirrels are going to poop on you. Do you have food for lunch?  You have to finish your 40 unfinished client projects. What’s through that underpass? Maybe the boogie man. Did you pack your camera gear? The event is 10 hours away. You should just go home and get ready and stop this meditating crap. Why bother, it’s not like the kids are here to see you. Who are you teaching a lesson to?”

WTFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!

I was 10 minutes into my run, 30 seconds into my meditating and I felt drained.

And so, the concrete became my Yoga mat… and the Sun became my cleanse. And then it got worse, because all my paranoia come to surface, and I fidget, and I see and hear things that don’t exist….But I stretch, and I pray, and I just sit. I force myself to not think. “I don’t care. Eff the squirrels. Eff the kids who might come into play and see me sitting like a statue. Maybe they’ll play statue with me and their parents would love the new game they learn. Eff the park worker who decides to sweep around me! eff the DAMN SQUIRREL who keeps dropping acorns on my head!!!  Just EFF the world for ONE effing minute, Mind… and let me NOT EFFING THINK!”

And it happens…

I start to cry.

Because I had no control.  😦

The tears begin to flow, and I get embarrassed – in front of the squirrels, so I slowly get up from the cold concrete that has me shivering, and I do the Sun Salutation, with tears on my effin face…UGH! But with fluidity, with ease, with calmness in my soul. When I am done, 5 long breaths in a standing relaxed pose, and a slow trot back home…

But it’s not over… my legs, are jelly.. and the burn sets in. It’s been that long since I’ve run that my legs are telling me to stop. “Don’t do this. You don’t have to. You are not out of shape… But am I in shape?” I run, and I don’t stop… and my chest hurts… the cold air rushing into my lungs makes the measly 10 blocks left seem like 100 miles… My tears come down more.. I am crying. Like outside, in the street, in front of people, as I run I am full blown, wet face, runny nose, wipe on my sleeve CRYING because this shit sucks and I can’t give up. The people I pass can hear me. They look at me and STARE and make faces.. “oh EFF YOU TOO you walking eff hole!!” I think to them…  There is no Joe here to help me, to encourage me, to tell me we don’t have much father to go. There are no kids saying “Come on Mom you can do it!” with their infectious laughters, teasing me so that I can push harder.

It’s just me… and it’s me who is my biggest opponent. It’s only ME that can defeat ME. And that is the most humbling feeling I have ever felt. No one around to keep track. No one around to record time or distance. Just Me telling Me “DO NOT FKN GIVE UP GOD DAMMIT!!!”  “The body will do what your mind tells it to” And so those last 5 blocks become 57 blocks. My eyes are red by now, I am coughing and spitting with the cold air…I think I am going to lose my stomach, yup I am going to puke.  I can see our block. “The body will do what your mind tells it to” ….

I make it… I make it to the door… My knees want to buckle, I fidget to find my keys, that were already in my hand. The jogger who was behind me [or probably 3 laps in front of me] passes me and waves with a stupid smile…  and I can’t control the tears. I can’t control my frustration. The old lady neighbor asks if I am okay.. And I muster up a smile…  “I just defeated the ONE and ONLY thing that can ever cause me to fail… Me.” is what I think to myself… “Yes, I am fine thank you. Just a tough run” is what I reply to her….

This was just a simple jog this morning, but I think what got to me is HOW MANY TIMES in our lives do we NOT do something because we think we can’t? Or we are afraid to fail? Or we don’t have anyone to push us through? How many times do we NOT have the courage to follow our heart?  I use to tell myself all the time that I had to follow a certain script, even if that script wasn’t who I was…but it was what was supposed to be…. And all along, I had no idea who was writing this script for me.. but I was following it… and I think I was following it  because I didn’t have the courage to write my own chapters, tell my own story.  And in retrospect I can see how unhappy I was. It hurts now to see that, but I have grown, and I have learned, and along the way I have told myself that all works itself out as long as I DON”T GIVE UP ON MYSELF.

Sometimes the most simplest events in our life – a morning jog – can teach us the most valuable lessons.

I spent a total of 27 minutes out there this morning. With the lesson I learned, it felt like a lifetime.

I hope that this new year of life for me brings me more sweat, more runny nosed tears, more challenges, harder challenges, and hidden lessons that I could have ever imagined… and more.

This is the beginning… It’s always the beginning. 🙂 

This is very late, but HUGE thank you to everyone who sent me Birthday wishes via all forms of communication – including telepathy. 😉

Huge thank you to my family and dearest friends.  🙂

Huge thank you to My Reasons – The Kid and The Queena.

HUGEST  thank you to my Soul’s Mate ❤ Joe ❤ Namaste

The Grandest Thank You to The Universe… I am listening. 🙂