A letter to my son: Happy 10th Birthday

A letter to my son… Happy 10th Birthday

July 15, 2013 at 8:28pm

Dear Kid,

I scoured the Internet looking for the book that tells me how to be the perfect mother for a growing boy. I started this search when I learned you would be mine. And to this day, 10 years and 9 months later, I have yet to find it. Not because there aren’t any books on such topic. There are millions of them. But ironically… the more books I read the more I realized, there is no one way. There is no perfect way. There is no right way. There are quite a bit of wrong ways… But the BEST way is the simplest way – Just love, unconditionally, simply, purely, and wholly… LOVE… Naturally, that was the easy part for me. If I ever wrote a book on how to be the best parent for your child it would say:

Title: How to be the best parent for your child Page 1: Just Love Your Child… and all will be right in his/her world. Everything else will follow it’s natural course. Page 2: The End…

From the day I knew you would be mine, Kid, I can’t even lie to you, I was a hot mess of emotions. I thought I had life all planned out. But as you will one day learn – you don’t plan Life. Life plans you and you have to figure out what that is and then figure out what to do with it…. That’s another letter.

Learning you are about to have a child at the age of 23 is no easy feat. I was selfish, self centered, and thought I knew the world. I was focused on partying, finding who I am, what I wanted to do, and worried about all the things that don’t need to be worried about. At 23 I would soon learn that you would be my life. You would be my drive. You would be my reason. And you would teach me way more things than I could EVER teach you… But even that took some time to figure out.

I never forget the day we met…Do you remember it?  It was around 2am. I was desperately trying to get my bearings after a grueling, unwanted, unexpected surgery. It was an emergency. I was feverish pushing up to 105 degree and doctors were afraid something was happening to you, or would happen to me. My body wasn’t completely cooperating with what was happening. So,  they rushed us into an operating room and took you out of my body. I barely remember your birth. But I remember all the physical pain. That lack of memory still hurts me today. By the time I truly came to, I was alone, in a cold hospital room, shivering, and it was late. Tubes in my arms. My legs were tingling. But I knew that you were in this world… and I had to see you. With a panic I asked the nurse to bring you to me. “I don’t even remember what he looks like” and I started to cry. With a smile, she said she would be right back with you… Those 5 minutes felt like 5 days. It was torture… She rolled in this cart, and all I could see was a little wrapped bundle. You were all cozy, wrapped up, had just fed, and you were looking at me through the foggy bassinet glass. “Would you like to hold him” She said. “I can’t get out of bed. I still can’t feel my legs. I am afraid I will hurt him somehow”  I said… “You are his Mama. You love him. You won’t.”  And she slowly handed you to me. I didn’t know what to say to you. So I said “Hi.” And you looked up at me… with super slow blinks, like you already knew who I was. My tears instantly came to. I kissed you. And then I sang… the only lullaby I knew. “You are my sunshine… my only sunshine….” And it was just us.. You and me, in that cold, dark hospital room, alone. Singing. Talking. I told you my name. “Hi, I’m Mom” I told you where I grew up. I told you that I love you. I kissed you so many times. And I am sure I told you plenty of other things. The time we spent didn’t last too long. I was still groggy and for that time you were best in the nurses care. But I assured you from that day forward, we would be together forever. Buddies for life… And life seems to be creating that bond beautifully.

At 2 years old, you told me I was your best friend, like Dora and Boots.

At 3 years old you said not to worry, that you would to feed the baby [your sister] so I could take a nap.

At 5 years old you said you were a big boy because you were going to big boy school but you still loved me.

At 6 years old you said I was the smartest Mama in the world because I showed you “the easy way to tie your shoes”.

At 7 years old you said you would jump off a wall and kick anyone in the head who tried to hurt me or your sister. You were learning martial arts.

At 9 years old, you told me you were going to work super hard in school so that you could make me proud.

At 10 years old, you tell me not to worry about your birthday not going according to plan because of your sister’s accident. “We can always go to a water park when she gets better”. This growing up thing is killing me.

A bond between a mother and child is like none other and I never imagined the swarm of emotions that would come with that. I feel your joys. And I feel your pains. I want to guard you from all the crazy in the world and yet I want to see you roam free so you can enjoy the beauty. There are so many things that I want to teach you. So many places I want to show you.. But Kid, honestly, the things that I want to show and teach you could NEVER amount to the wealth of lessons, knowledge and insight, beauty, love and inspiration you have instilled in me.

It is my privilege to be your Mom, and I want you to know, there is nothing in this world that makes me more proud, than you.

I want you to know, I need you to know, that you were given to me, as gift, to teach me what truly matters, and what life is truly about. You taught me how to TRULY love and how to be brave. You taught me how to dream, and how anything is possible. You taught me humility, and courage. You taught me to stand up for what’s right. You taught me that the destination is not always the important part, but rather the JOURNEY we traveled to get there is what’s to be valued. You taught me that patience, really is a virtue, but that laughing some things off is just as important. You taught me that, struggles, trials and tribulations will create in us all a strong character and will make for valuable lessons. You taught me what resilience really is by having the courage to be strong and push through all of our struggles with an optimistic mind – for you.

Our life together has not been dramatically difficult. But it hasn’t been all butterflies and rainbows either. And I can only thank you today and until forever for being the awesome little guy that you are, for loving me as much as you do, and for providing a light in our home that helps to keep us all smiling.

You truly are my Sunshine…

I want you to always remember… Life is full of amazing things. Always take a minute to smell the flowers by your feet. Feel the Sun on your face. Let the Rain cleanse your soul. Love with all that you have. Laugh with every breath. Live with purpose. Fight for your dreams. Reach for the Stars, Moon and Sun… Believe in you… cause I do. And remember, that I will always be here… right by your side… cheering you on.

Love always & forever – your biggest fan,

Mom