Mommy confessions #2: I can’t look in the mirror

Mommy confession #2: I hate my postpartum body.

Last summer I was as pregnant as can be flaunting an itsy bitsy black bikini at the pool. I remember the day Joe bought it for me and boy I couldn’t wait to put it on. Proud as ever of my 8 months very pregnant baby bump and the bodacious body that came along with it, I felt amazing and gorgeous and I knew I glowed and I couldn’t wait to flaunt my new bikini ready body.

And I did.

And people stared.

And I didn’t care because I was loving my skin and the beauty behind growing life within me. With my white pool dress and my movie star glasses I wobbled onto that pool deck like it was a fashion week runway. My confidence was at an all time high. And I took great pleasure in it.

But then birth happened.

And that’s when it begins.

After 10 months of harboring this beautiful being, watching your physical appearance transform as he grows, and maybe even getting use to the weight, the added growth in the butt and the extra cleavage, you give birth and it seems like all goes to shits. Clothes don’t fit right. And I don’t just mean they’re tight. I mean your muffin top hangs out over your sweats. Your leggings are tight in some places and obnoxious in others. Your t-shirts are either too small or too big, and even in the big ones you can see remnants of your jelly belly. Your undies aren’t sexy looking. And your belly skin sags and drags. And then finally the day comes when you look in the mirror and it’s “Oh good lord what have I done?!”

Birth takes its’ toll physically. You deal with the pain and you move on. But when the dust settles and you look down at what your body has become and after you fight back the tears, it’s your self esteem that takes the bigger hit and is sometimes the more difficult to repair.

The truth is….. I can’t look at myself in pictures and I can’t look in the mirror. Which is precisely why I am doing this. I know that the ONLY way to fix my self image is to start right where I stand. I actually have control over how I look and how I feel. And as exhausting as my days are, if I want to feel good in my own skin I need to put the work in.

So this is day 1. It’s been quite a while since I unrolled my yoga mat. I am embarrassed to say, it took me 10 minutes to find it. And when I did, I could barely complete a 15 min morning prep and nearly threw up after a core rep. But I got thru it, baby even joined me for a few minutes. And now we are on our journey BACK to health and light.

The goal? Walking on to that pool deck with that black itsy bitsy bikini on again this summer, this time with my post-partum body feeling as proud as I did the last time I was there.

With that said, here’s to day 1…

Here’s to waking up at 6:00 am this morning to get a glass of water, only to pass by the mirror, looking at the reflection and not recognizing the person I saw.

Here’s to the 6:00 am work outs or 8:00 pm work outs, whatever time I can fit it in.

Here’s to the back ache I felt this morning because I haven’t stretched in months.

Here’s to not being able to touch my toes.

Here’s to after wiping my tears, looking down and watching more fall.

Here’s to noticing my tattoo stretched even more.

Here’s to not being able to breathe properly because I forgot how to just breathe.

Here’s to wanting to look in the mirror.

Here’s to looking in the mirror and feeling proud of my temple.

Here’s to getting back to feeling amazing again so that I can be healthy and happy not just for me, but …yeah, for me.

You don’t have to be great to get started. But you have to get started to be great.